Biggest Oxymoron of MY LIFE!

My daughter's former roommate is a delightful, smart, witty, tall girl. She recently graduated with her undergrad degree in anthropology and spent a good part of the past 8 months working for free in an internship in Washington D.C. My daughter also had an awesome internship in D.C. only my daughter was at the Smithsonian. The roommate has worked hard to earn a paying position where she has been interning. 

She got the job! YAYAYAYAY!

So, you are asking, "where is the oxymoron in this situation?'..... Her first job out of college pays her more money with benefits than I get teaching 10 college classes a year and one high school class a year with absolutely zero benefits, and I have a MS degree, have completed professional development programs, etc.

I must be a fool or is it that I'm just dedicated to teaching?????

Oxymoron or just Moronic???: Keep Your filthy HANDS OUT OF THE BINS PLEASE!

Oxymoron or just Moronic???: Keep Your filthy HANDS OUT OF THE BINS PLEASE!

Spring Break at the Beginning of March!

I appreciate Spring Break. I really do. However, having it the beginning of March should just be a break. Oh, there are telltale signs of Spring... Daffodils have just barely started to open here and a couple of trees (although the Bradford Pears have not yet) are budding up with a few with sporatic flowers and weeping willows are sprouting some green. But inevitably, Spring Break is ALWAYS COLD. To prove my point, here is the next couple of days weather forecast:

Newsflash to Tennessee Board of Regents (they set our Spring Break) and to Mother Nature:

COLD WITH DROPPING TEMPS OF 47 TO FREEZING IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO A HAPPY SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!

Breaking from Tradition!

Normally my sardonic personality shines in my blog; however, this time I am breaking from tradition to post a link to my daughter's new website! She is a musician here in Knoxville and performs and teaches private music lessons! Her site is up and running, but still under construction. Make sure and check it frequently and share it!

aubreybakermusic.com

Anyone that knows me also knows I am a frequent flier. As such, I am usually well prepared for flights with snacks, sudoku books, reading books, laptop, headphones, etc. However, this past cross country trip I can only blame myself for my misery. Somewhere in my daughter's Utah house are my noise reducing headphones. As I sat at 31,000 feet flying home to Tennessee I was tormented. Yes, tormented-- by a middle aged barrel chested chubby woman snoring louder than any man, woman or creature I've ever heard!

Yes, I had earplugs snuggly pushed in deeper than they should be, and yes, my hoodie was pulled over my head with my hands covering my ears; my inner voice screaming from within!!!!
   I am not a violent person, but I think I could have ripped out this stranger's adnoids! Why was she sleeping in the middle of the friggin' day????? I'll be the first to admit I have a sound sensitivity- but this woman was out of control and RIDICULES!!!!!!!

STATUS: MORONICALLY STUPID!

Not a Good Sign from your Doctor!

 

So I recently had a bout with kidney stones. Yes, they hurt for a woman too. How do they compare with labor? Well, these 3 badboys were small- so, whereas the pain was like labor- it was bearable. A few years ago I had the big daddy of all stones that basically sliced and diced me and I ended up with emergency surgery. Worse than labor! No cute cuddly baby to help me forget the pain! 

However, my point isn't to discuss the stones, but rather this issue of Reader's Digest that was in the exam room as I waited for the Urologist. Out of curiosity, I picked it up to read if indeed my DOCTOR is OUT OF DATE. I flipped past the military jokes, the stupidest criminals and the ads, as well as the real life drama with the feel good ending and wait....I missed the article. I flipped backwards, then forwards... then I counted the pages. Yep, this article was ripped right out of the magazine. 

Perhaps a patient ripped it out---but highly doubtful. My observation is if someone wants the article, they take the entire magazine. Especially from a magazine as small as Reader's Digest.

So my thought is this- DID THE DOCTOR'S REALLY THINK NO ONE WOULD NOTICE??????

Look at the magazine cover- of course we want to compare what they say to our exam!

Status: MORONIC

(at the very least they should toss the entire magazine to avoid suspicious patients like me!)

Doppleganger: The Celebrity I Am

I did it. I admit it. I was curious to see what star I would be matched to via Facebook's latest fad. Apparently it was difficult. All of my picture uploads failed. Finally, I took a quick photobooth shot. It's 11 pm, I'm in sweats, I have on no make-up and I am slouching on the couch. Of course this picture was accepted!

 

After watching too much of the Grammy awards while waiting, a 74% match was made! Glory- be- I wonder who I resemble???? Ready for this one???????

 

 

That's right, I look like a young Filipina Pop Star. 

Need I say more?

MORONIC!!!!!!!!

Keep Your filthy HANDS OUT OF THE BINS PLEASE!

I love The Fresh Market. I love the option of measuring my own unsalted cashews and yogurt pecans. I love the mood lighting, the music, the freshness of the produce. In fact, once when my home was full of guests I stealthily slipped away to The Fresh Market for a few moments of quiet. It is a shopping experience rather than a dutiful chore; indeed, is brings a bit of Fresh air to a weary shopper.

Unfortunately, my most recent shopping experience left me a wee-bit horrified! Please, it wasn't The Fresh Market- no, no- it was the greedy old man who illegally parked his caddie in front of the store blocking the disability/cart ramp. He didn't need a cart or basket-- his hands were plenty!

Sadly, I must share the truth of how this wonderful shopping place and how every customer was violated! This man proceeded to walk up and down the bulk aisles lifting and grabbing. Half of his illegally and unsanitarily obtained goods he plopped in his mouth, the other half into his pants and jacket pockets. I had to tattle. I just couldn't let this man contaminate The Fresh Market, then it wouldn't be fresh anymore! I couldn't allow his greedy, grimy, germy, grubby hands to thieve anymore!

Here's a humble suggestion:

Dear Fresh Market,

Follow Earthfare, Kroger and Wholefoods lead: switch bin styles!

Sincerely, a concerned consumer that can no longer tolerate MORONIC OLD MEN!

Me and My Foot!

Here I go again!

Me and my foot! This picture cannot possibly capture the amount of pain I am currently in. I am wondering just how many injuries a foot (the same foot) can possibly endure!!!!!

Pirates

 

I totally understand the appeal of pirates. Let's face it, Johnny Depp brought his charm to Captain Jack Sparrow. The Swashbuckling pirate allowed for boys (and girls thanks to Keira Knightly) to be boisterous and playful. Daring rescues and sword fights followed by laughter and merriment. Who wouldn't want this life?

However, we never think about the stinky side of pirates. No bathing for weeks- months. Doubtful a toothbrush is anywhere to be found in essentials- just plenty of rum! Thievery is a way of life. Yet, we glamorize and fantasize about the life of a pirate. We even encourage it at a very young age to our children!!!!!!

Maybe Vegetales got it right afterall!

Urban Living and Planning

The town where I live recently voted down the idea of building a town center shopping area where stores are on the first floor and condos rest above. Who would want to live this way? They questioned.

Who would support a park and recreational center in their neighborhood? People want their own space only!
Here is the view across the street from the above urban living development in Myrtle Beach, SC!

Euphemisms

Ok, I understand the need for Euphemisms,  I really do. But come on, sometimes it just has to be called what it is. A waterbug is nothing more than a BIG ROACH! Yuck!!!!

Mystic or Holy Powers?

 

Ok, this IS an

 oxymoron-- either you claim to be a mystic and read palms and auras, OR you are a spiritual adviser.  Need I say more?

Yes, Americans are FAT!

WARNING: THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!

I love to eat. I do. I enjoy ice cream and other gluten-free indulgences. I love Mexican food, sushi, hummus, fruit, nuts, and I adore anything peanut butter! Most of you know I recently turned the big 5-0. I have noticed my body shifting and I admit I need to lose a few pounds. I do keep very active- try to walk, I pace, I garden and flitter around a lot. I try to park so I have to take a few extra steps and almost always will take stairs when feasible. I kick myself when my size 14's are snug. I used to joke that the way to feel skinny is to have fat friends. After spending a lovely weekend at Myrtle Beach, SC I am totally disgusted as to how FAT we have become as Americans. There, I said it. PEOPLE,  MAKE BETTER FOOD CHOICES, MOVE MORE AND QUIT COMPLAINING IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT! And for Heaven's Sakes, WE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FAT! COVER UP!!!!!!!!!
STATUS: MORONIC!!!!!!!!

High School Musical

Yes, Wildcat fans know this is the face of their High School Musical Basketball team Captain and star player. Did it occur to anyone that he's 5'10"- and is NOT the shortest member of the team? Worse, other players don't seem to tower over him. This means an entire high school basketball team is under 6' tall!
As many of you are aware, the poor Wildcats have 16 minutes to double their score and win the game. Their game plan? Apparently to sing and dance on the court.


Miraculously - this singing, dancing bunch of short slightly femmy boys pull together to win their senior season.

What more can I say?

Status: MORONIC!!!!!!!

Cloudy Beach Days, Sunburns and Sand Toys

Recently, my daughters and I visited some friends at the beach, Jekyll Island to be exact. It was a last minute whim and weekend adventure. Despite being VERY overcast I warned we should use sunscreen. Everyone knows you can get a nasty sunburn through the clouds! A feeble attempt was made for slight sunscreen application- then our day(s) began!

The beach is ALWAYS a nice break from the real world! Kids playing building sand castles, waves rippling, walks through the water break, shell searching...you all know the do-dah. Well, the oxymoron is that I got far more "sun" and "burn" through the Georgia cloudy coastline in two days than I did a week on the sunny Barbados beach!
However, being the cleaver person that I am- I brilliantly discovered that a child's sand-trowel makes for the best back 'scratcher' ever for a peeling back! I promise! Next time your skin is ready to molt post-burn skin and it is creeping and crawling with insatiable itching- try it!

STATUS: Sunburns through Clouds- MORONIC AND OXYMORONIC

STATUS: Sand trowels to scratch peeling backs-BRILLIANT!!!

The Heartland Series has been a staple of East Tennessee for the past 25 years. Rich stories of mountain folk, country tales, music, crafts, cooking, holistic healing, river and lake life and the fine art of storytelling. The drive behind The Heartland Series is Mr. Bill Landry. He is retiring this year. Rather than replacing him (and giving someone the opportunity to be mentored by Mr. Landry) the powers that be have decided to simply end this iconic preservation of times gone by.
Joni Mitchell once sang (and Counting Crows revived it for a new generation) we "paved paradise to put up a parking lot". The Heartland Series found the areas not yet paved; sadly, this era is being concreted as I type.

Status: Moronic

Kiki's Gimpy Eye and my new Car's Carpet!

So my kitty KiKi has had a gimpy eye. It's been teary and squinty. This happened a few months ago and I asked my husband, an optometrist, to take a look at it. He tried, but didn't really know what to expect from a cat-eye. Last night he seemed unconcerned and suggested we wait and see if her eye clears up on its own.
After a rough morning of shopping (tax free weekend) I was somewhat concerned for my Kitty when I arrived home, since her eye continued to be teary. I took her immediately to the Vet. Of course her curiosity and instinct overcame her and her eyes widened and the tearing stopped. The Vet took a look and deducted she was fine. I persisted she take a more thorough look, so for a bargain of $23 bucks the Vet fluoroscein stained Kiki's eye. Ironically, many a time have these little fluorocein stain strips been left in my husbands shirt pocket during laundry only to leave a yellow stain!
$102.74 later, the doc says results are inconclusive as to why the eye is gimpy, but we can use human drops as a preventative measure to guard against and type of infection. Yep, the same ones my husband keeps in stock for his patients.
- Returning to the car, Kiki unsuccessfully tried to escape our grasp (Lins was fortunately able to grab her before a nasty car did), but despite her escape efforts, she was tossed into our car- well, my car. My new car. My first new car in 29 years. The irony? While Kitty was saved from the fate of untamed cars whizzing by, my brand new car's carpet wasn't spared from the whizzing Kitty's bladder!
: (

Dry erase markers are amazing. No one will dispute the superiority to chalk- no dust, no mess, better contrast, etc. However, the real reason they are amazing is their ability to be used on glass- window and mirrors- as a means to leave messages! Think green! The possibilities are indeed amazing! Case in point- I recently had one of my classes meet at a different location on campus. We are forever being encouraged to save paper costs. Reduce, reuse- or don't use! This year I have gone almost completely paperless in my classes, so, my natural instinct is let's just write on the door window. Students see it as they approach the door and it is easily wiped off!

Sadly, the powers that be complained. Apparently it is proper procedure to print on paper and then laminate any messages. Even a one line message for one day.

Oxymoronic? You decide.

Dogwood Winter

True Southerners have an aversion to really cold weather, especially when it happens during a sacred time period. By this I mean SPRINGTIME! Every winter, despite our doubts, we anxiously await the result of our friend, Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog.

This year, however, something has gone seriously awry- even by the beloved groundhog's standard we are well past the extra six weeks of winter and well into every southern town's Dogwood Festivities. My husband and I spend countless hours grooming and offering blood, sweat and money into our beloved gardens. We are after all, on the Dogwood Trail where hundreds of people drive through neighborhoods admiring spring flowers- especially azaleas and the countless blooming dogwoods. Our front yard alone has nine dogwood trees, not to mention a beautifully blooming weeping cherry.

Now you're asking- where is the OXYMORON in all of this? We should suck it up- it's just a few days of chilly weather! Apparently, there is an anomaly called DOGWOOD WINTER. This is where cold weather happens while the Dogwoods are in bloom. Well, this year's OXYMORON award goes to the 28 degree snowy weather that is happening during the 2nd week of APRIL. Thanks to mother nature all of my beautiful trees will lose their beginning blooms, my azalea buds will drop off and my perennials will struggle. Forget any annuals- they're doomed completely. Maybe the desert has it right. Plant rocks.